Belgium Travel Review (Part 3 and 4 of 4)

Belgium

Travel Review

I’m off inter railing, (updates will be even more uneven for the next month) so I’m adding the last two parts of my review simultaneously. Enjoy.

ANTWERP

My Hostel, the indecipherably named Hostel Op Sinjoorke, was three kilometres from the city centre, so I decided to have a few beers before heading there. There's a nice quiet pub right beside the Onze Lieve Vrouwkathedraal (Antwerp Cathedral) which serves Hoegaarden for 2 euro a glass. One too many beers and a loss of direction later I arrived at 11:20PM to find that my hostel had closed at 11. Much banging and shouting led to a frenzied conversation with the owner in which I made my case for not wanting to sleep rough. She put up a spirited fight but, probably sensing that the headline “Tourist Dies While Sleeping Outside Hostel” would not do business any favours, eventually relented and granted me access.

Antwerp is a city of few sights, and it was Monday, so most of them were closed. The Cathedral was open though, and contains two massive organs (Ooer missus) and four gigantic paintings by Rubens. The paintings, mostly triptychs, are worth the price of admission, and are supplemented by some detailed displays explaining the Rubens style.

The view across the river Schelde is nice, but was hampered on the day by the horizontal rain knifing my retinas. The highlight of Antwerp for me was the Hendrik Conscienceplein (above), which I came upon quite by accident on the night of my arrival. The ornate church which occupies one side was partly designed by Rubens.

The free map which I picked up at my hostel, and which lays unfolded in front of me now, gives details on a total of 106 sights in and around Antwerp, most of which is padding. Of the attractions which were closed, only the Rubens House would have commanded my attention. And although the Hassidic Jews who people the diamond district beside the railway station are an interesting curiosity, they can't really be classed as a sight. Back to Brussels.

BRUSSELS REDUX

I had booked a bicycle tour of Brussels with Brussels Bike Tours for the morning of my return (after a decent but snore laden night in the Bruegel Hostel) which promised to glide through the cities main sights in a cool four hours. Unfortunately, numbers being what they were (just me) and weather being what it was (shit), the guide and proprietor of the tour, Cesar, turned up cheerily at the meeting point only to cancel the tour. As an alternative, I was given a free thirty minute rundown of the main Brussels points of note from the top of a local car park, which was more charming, and appreciated, than it sounds.

So, left to my own devices, I set off on foot with my list of Brussels to do's. After a twenty minute section of my walk, designed by Cesar to take in a varied cross section of the city, I arrived at the Manneken Pis. The Manneken (pronounced piss, not pee as I thought) is an - perhaps the – iconic Brussels landmark, and as I came to the busy corner on which it stands, my Brussels goodwill took another knock. The statue, which looks huge in most tourist paraphernalia, is no more than a foot high in person, and was dressed up like a child's doll. Under whelming, but still deserves five minutes of your time.

Passing the Old City Walls on Villerstraat, I made my way to Place Poelaert-Plein, a convenient location from where to view most of the city. Warned that the Atomium was an inconvenient to reach waste of money, I opted for a few distant photographs. The Palais De Justice, even though currently undergoing restoration, also deserves outside inspection.

Just down the road lies the Musees Royaux des Beaux-Arts (Fine Arts Museum). The museum needs more than the two hours it took me to stroll it's many exhibits. The Audio Guide is definitely worth the extra money if you intend to learn anything about the selected paintings which it covers. A highlight of this and any museum is the above Dali painting, The Temptation of St. Anthony. It’s an intriguing mix between old world Religious iconography and images which wouldn't be out of place on a Megadeath t-shirt.

The European Parliament runs tours at 10AM and 3PM. I arrived just in time for the latter, and after quite lengthy security checking, embarked on the multilingual audio guided tour. The Parliament building is an oddball. It would seem that people are interested enough in the workings of the EU Parliament to warrant running a tour, but at the same time, neither the building or the mechanics of what goes on inside are, in my opinion, interesting enough to justify exploration.

And so I bid farewell to Belgium. A conversation with one coach driver had left me no better informed as to the airport coach departure times, so I arrived early. The final nail in the bus driver/customer service coffin was pounded firmly down when, having closed the doors on two Irish girls who were waiting in line, (who I subsequently spoke to on the plane journey home) I observed as our driver departed while they attempted to open an outside luggage compartment.
Maybe my capacity to like the French speaking half of Belgium was severely dented by attempting conversations with one too many a snotty driver, but the Flemish speaking portion of Belgium are more friendly by far. Granted my conversations were mostly with Brugians who no doubt derive most of their income from tourism, but they win the “not needing a good kick up the hole” award for not treating tourists in the same manner as a doctor treats anal polyps.

Belgium can be split into the Good (Bruges), the Bad (Brussels) and the Ugly (Antwerp). Antwerp left me feeling as though there had to be other sights to see, Brussels as though I wished I hadn’t bothered, and I wished for more time in Bruges. If you’re passing through, the tariff for seeing the country as a whole is four days, and you could do worse than to spend all of those in Bruges. Fackin’ fairytale indeed.

Belgium: 6/10

Bruges: 8/10

Belgium Travel Review (Part 2 of 4)

Belgium

Travel Review

BRUGES

I saw the main Bruges square, the Markt, on the way to my hostel. The square is instantly recognisable if you've seen the recent Brendan Gleeson-Colin Farrell tourist advertisement, and I must say that it reminded me of being in a facking fairytale.

The Bauhaus hostel is... I mean, listen, what can you really say about any given hostel? I went in, got sheets, went to bed, woke up unharmed and with all my belongings intact, had a decent enough shower and left. It's inexpensive, clean and comfortable. You always take pot luck when it comes to roommates and mine were, for the most part, fine (if you discount the drunk snoring American lady). I didn't grow an inch overnight or awaken in a euphoric state, but it did the job.

The big plus point to the Bauhaus is that it's five minutes walk from Burg Square which houses the Stadhuis (City Hall), my first port of call. The admission fee is 2 euro and also includes entry to the nearby Brugse Vrije (liberty of Bruges) which housed the Bruges courts. The Stadhuis is really only one room, but the audio guide is free, lengthy and for the most part interesting. Give the Brugse Vrije a miss though, it's boring.

The Helig-Bloedbasiliek was next on the list. This is the Chapel of the Holy Blood, so called because it apparently is home to a vial containing drops of Christ's blood. Either that or Dulux top coat shade number 53. This was a trip highlight because the choir were practising as I walked in. They were so good that I ended up staying for 20 minutes just to listen.

In hindsight, I should have gone to the Belfort (Belfry) earlier, since the queue I joined took half an hour to shuffle to the ticket desk. The views are panoramic, and the different levels offer some decent Belfry information, but I must admit that I'm a bit observation point-ed out. Most big towns have some tower or other for tourists to climb and they become samey after you've done a few. This is no different, but worth a look all the same.

The Groeninge Museum was temporarily shut for the installation of a new exhibit, so I went next to the Gruuthuse. One word sums this museum up, and that's M'eh. The guide cards laid out in each room provide an astonishing amount of detail on the artifacts, but none of them are terribly interesting. I'm sure that when I was 18 I could have gotten a semi from looking at an apothecary jar, along with every other thing I saw, smelled or touched, but after forty five minutes with the Gruuthuse's collection I was searching for the exit.

Next door is the Church of Our Lady of Bruges, in which Michelangelo's Madonna with Child stands. The statue itself, despite being ensconced in a grandiose altar, is a low key affair but worth a look.

My overall trip highlight was De Halve Maan brewery. The tour lasts about 45 minutes and the price includes a free beer. My tour guide, whose name I have completely forgotten, did an excellent job of keeping things entertaining and there was no need to force laughter at her jokes. By this stage things in Bruges were beginning to close up and wind down, so I stayed for a couple of tasty beers before catching the train to Antwerp.

To Be Continued

Next Installment: (Insert wordplay incorporating the word Twerp here)

Belgium Travel Review (Part 1 of 4)

Belgium

Travel Review

Founding nation of the European Union, home of magnificent beer and chocolate, little wedge on top of Germany and France; all of these are apt descriptions of Belgium, an odd little country which was a mostly mystery to me until recently, when a cheap Ryanair flight prompted a closer inspection of this largely overlooked tourist destination.

The flight there was uneventful, save for a rather peeved passenger stopped at the boarding gates for what I presume was a passport irregularity. When I walked by I noted that, were I in the same situation, I probably wouldn't choose to endear myself to the gatekeepers by shouting “This is an outrage. Get me your supervisor”.

BRUSSELS

A return coach trip from Brussels-Charleroi airport cost more than my flight, which admittedly wasn't hard. You must expect to pay top dollar though, to be ferried about by the surliest, least tourist friendly bus drivers. It seems that Belgian bus companies go to great lengths to find non-English speaking, brusque employees to staff their tourist routes, and when they find them, they must make them feel like the kings amongst men that they are by giving them big salaries. Its either that or, MUCH less likely, extortion for a necessary service which isn't fit for purpose.

The bus stopped at Gare du Midi in Brussels, from where I should have gotten the Metro. Instead, I went exploring. One hour and a worrying amount of chips later I finally asked for directions to find that I was a good two miles from where I thought I was. By this time I had developed a pain in my face with Brussels, which thoughts of a forty minute walk didn't serve to dull.

My maiden sight was the Grand Place, Brussels' central square. It's surrounded by guildhalls and is suitably impressive. I was saving most of Brussels for my second visit in two days time, so I just saw one museum.



The Magritte Museum doesn't open until June 2009, so that was out of the question. The Musee des Instruments Musique (Museum of Musical Instruments) had come highly recommended by my guidebook and the web. Now, without wanting to state the obvious, or wanting to toot my own horn (horribly bad pun intended), I knew what most musical instruments sounded like going in. So the audioguide, which I presumed contained interesting factoids on the instruments, and which was actually filled with nothing more than the sound of selected instruments, was of no use to me. Any information beyond this and instrument names was thin on the ground.

When I say that the dependable and cheap Belgian train system was one of the highlights of my trip, you'll see the problems I had with Belgium. One quick journey later though, and I was in Bruges.

To Be Continued

Next Installment: I Went Down (Or Up rather) to Bruges

The Damned United Movie Review

The Damned United

Movie Review

Michael Sheen is making a habit of starring in factually inaccurate biopics of late. First came his portrayal of the drunk dialled Frost in Frost/Nixon. And now, scant months after that factual outrage/entertainment triumph he takes on Brian Clough's tempestuous 44-day tenure at Leeds in the Damned United.

Judging from the criticism heaped upon the novel, this movie might be best filed under fantasy, not biography. As with Sheen's last film (which shared a screenwriter in Peter Morgan) I entered with my eyes open, having been warned by a watchful media to be on guard for any historical dirty tricks.

The film opens with Don Revie (played by Colm Meaney, with a clinging globule of Irish in his Yorkshire pudding accent) stepping down as a successful and much loved Leeds United manager in order to take the much coveted England job. Brian Clough, on his way to take the reins, gives an interview on Yorkshire television lambasting Revie and his players for their dirty tactics. He then proceeds to the training ground to meet the men upon whom he has just poured scorn. Unsurprisingly, he isn't quite welcomed with open arms by his new charges. So begins his downward spiral as Leeds boss.

The first hour mainly reflects the path which led Clough to Leeds, and his relationship with his assistant Peter Taylor (played with more than a little homoerotic bonhomie by a brilliant Timothy Spall) with dashes of Clough's current predicament thrown in. Circa ten minutes into the first flashback I began to wonder where the presumed main story had gone. Both storylines are so inviting though that I didn't particularly care. If anything the Leeds sections run slightly flat by comparison – at least until the shifting time line fills in some gaps.

Despite his shortcomings as a manager and a person, you can't help but empathise with the Clough character. His hatred of Revie and urge to propel Derby to the top of the first division unfold throughout the course of the first two acts. It's a compliment to the fine script that there was no noticeable drop off in pacing or my level of interest when the narrative caught up with itself.

Spall and Meaney are both impressive, but Michael Sheen turns in a movie stealing performance as the mercurial Clough. He still oddly retains some of the Alan Partridge impression which follows him around from role to role though, in a reflection of his on-screen personality, Sheen is the whole show. Clough's preoccupation with building a reputational Reich to last a thousand years is exquisitely acted, and Sheen makes the most of every scene. In short, he is fantastic.

At the end of the day this is a film of three acts and the boy Clough goes down early under a soft challenge but eventually repays the faith shown in him (sorry, couldn't resist). If you're going to see this to point out that the Derby pitch was actually three metres wider, or that John Giles was two inches taller in real life, forget it. If you can treat this offering as the faction it is then you can derive real enjoyment from some finely written cinema. Look out for Sheen's next picture "How Churchill freed the slaves", out soon.

8.5

The Definitive Guide To Screenwriting

The Definitive Guide to Screenwriting

By Syd Field

Book Review

In a perhaps misguided attempt to become the most magnificent screenwriter the world has ever seen, I have recently bought a screenwriting manual. Up until now I have tentatively attempted to write scripts but always felt as though I was writing in the dark. There are only so many times a man can enter unexpectedly with a gun before that method of injecting excitement draws attention to itself, and the room becomes full (besides which, it feels at odds with the overall style of my Mother Teresa biopic). Syd Field's “The Definitive Guide to Screenwriting” can hopefully cure my script of these problems, and tell me how many times my main character can use the f-word before the movie is denied a PG rating.

Syd Field is a well known screenwriting teacher, who, besides holding workshops has authored several books on the craft, including the one which lies dog-eared on my desk. The cover, in typical hyperbole, quotes him as being “The Guru of all screenwriters”. So, after rubbing the book magic lamp-style with no joy, I decided to read it to see what he could do for me.

The style of the book is easy to read. Its written in a conversational tone, though there are convenient problem sheets (little boxes containing frequent screenwriting errors) dotted throughout the chapters. Field does his best to provide pointers to counteract these problems, and is mostly successful. Sometimes though, his advice falls short of helping, or even motivating the reader. For instance, he does have some good ideas on how to improve the clarity and effectiveness of dialogue, but one of his assertions is that some people are just good at fabricating words for their characters. Oh well, never mind then, back to my job at the video shop.

Field introduces the three act structure of a screenplay early on. At its most basic, its this; act one, set up story and character, act two, create obstacles between your character and their goal, act three, tie up all the loose ends and resolve the plot. When first explained, the system seems like a straightjacket waiting to subdue the talents (such as they may be) of any budding writer. The advantages of using the system though, are twofold. First, the movie business being as formulaic as it is, you won't have a hope of getting any script you write made if it doesn't stick at least semi-rigidly to the archetype supplied. Also, the structure has the benefit of adding, well, structure to any attempted script, providing a series of waypoints which should help fledgling writers produce a screenplay that will attract positive attention from more than close friends and family.

If you decide to buy the book, which you should if you're in any way serious about improving your output, please do one thing. Open it and flip to the page after the titles. Here you will find a list of all of the movies referenced in the book. Before turning to page one, immediately buy/rent (or download) and watch all of the movies on this page which you haven't seen. You have no idea how many movies Field ruins throughout the course of the book, and there are a few classics such as Chinatown which *gasp* I haven't seen, nor now very much want to.

The main drawback of any book like this is that instructions will only take a writer so far. In writing, like most any endeavour, it’s the urge to keep on trying that really leads to success. Writing is mostly a learn by doing experience. Sometimes you hit on the good stuff straight away, but you mostly find out what works purely by Holmesian process of elimination, which I presume becomes sharper the more you write.

Writing down helpful hints as I read, I came away with five A4 pages of notes, which isn't a lot, if you consider that the book weighs in at 387 pages. The book is a good start for any aspiring screenwriter, but don't expect it to wave a magic wand over your writing. Now, back to my screenplay. I've decided to add a sassy robot sidekick for Mother Teresa in order to give my script some conflict. Hollywood, here I come!

6.5/10